Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
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Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.