@Douchekevin: I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by outrunning the cops.
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@thatdutchperson: [remodel] Me: can you please keep that awful noise down? Contractor: for the last time, sir, we don't control who's running for president.
@Underchilde: I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.
@HiddleDeeDee: If your pharmacist was as hot as mine, you'd be in line for your fifteenth flu shot as well.