Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
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Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.