If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
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[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one