I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
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Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
🍛
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.