@Eightinchgoat: I just saved thousands on child support by never getting laid.
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@jonnysun: idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
@fro_vo: I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I'm... lacktoes intolerant *opens another beer*
@truegritrumble: FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend? ME: She’s a real queen bee. FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure. *a faint buzzing from my pocket* ME: Dude, she’s right here.