@Eightinchgoat: I just saved thousands on child support by never getting laid.
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@lecalabara: Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
@Pro_Jones_: Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked? Me: Sorry I was busy W: Doing what? *cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit* Me: Uh..
@Izianikapani: Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
@Vodkantots: Whoever said, "there's no place like home for the holidays" clearly hasn't been to my house.