It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
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[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM