@Eightinchgoat: I just saved thousands on child support by never getting laid.
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@AmishPornStar1: I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it. -inventor of powerwalking
@simoncholland: What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
@ThisOneSayz: *pops kid's balloon* *kid cries and runs away* *picks up kid's cake* Husband: wtf is wrong with you? Me: his piece was bigger!!
@shutupmikeginn: If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?