I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
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College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.