I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
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The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Is….Is this an option?
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.