6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
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client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.