@CrazyUncIeJoe: I just saw a baby wearing a shirt saying: "Santa doesn't exist, but that's ok, cause I can't read."
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@AnOrangeSNES: Please follow the instructions 1) Read all instructions 2) Sacrifice a goat 3) Cut off your fingers 4) Eat glass 5) Only do number one
@kelkulus: When I'm bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me "Do you know where this came from?"
@SomeChrisTweets: *ding* This is your captain speaking. We... Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We're out of fuel.
@Sickayduh: HER: You promised me you were over your Bruce Willis obsession. ME: Sorry. Old habits die hard with a vengeance.