50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
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My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
happy friday
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?