When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family