I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
You Might Also Like
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?