I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
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[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Note to self: I am a note
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream