@EmaSlema: I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said "no" so he's obviously the smartest man alive
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@d_duhwit: *baby crying on plane* Guy beside me: Can there be anything worse then a baby crying on a plane. Me *pulling out kazoo*: Let's find out.
@Try2StopME: He: That's a handsome dog. What's his name? She: Roger He: Does he bite? She: No He: How does he eat then?
@bencoffeehall: Each year an average of 10 people are killed by sharks while 100 people die being stepped on by cows. Where's Cow Week, Discovery Channel?!
@Bill_Nye_tho: i just finished breaking bad. what happens to hanks minerals. I don't like loose ends man. what happened to the minerals