I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
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If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.