@sixfootcandy: I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say "Welcome to the future, traveler. You're going to love it here!"
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@murrman5: [walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium] wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
@bobvulfov: [car dealership] WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k ME: we'll double that
@rickolantern: The human race won't go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
@fridaycandy: I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is "love" but it's actually "floor" .