I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
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Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you