I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
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Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
pls suprot
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.