I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
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Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I just ran a .003048K
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.