I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
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[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”