I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
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Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.