I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
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A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
(by @ZachWeiner )
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’