@faisaladam_: I just saw a poster that said "have you seen this man?" With a number to call... So I called the number and told them "No."
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@spacexsam: Forever tricking animals into thinking I'm patting them when really I'm just wiping crumbs off of my hands into their fur
@lilgapeach30: The black smoke coming from my toaster indicates a new pop tart has been selected!
@AGreaterMonster: My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer? Me: No. 4: Can I check? Me: Do you have a warrant?