I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
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I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
classic mixup
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!