I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
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I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
When ur friends with white people
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.