I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
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Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.