@KKBowls: I just saw a spider on the wall, I went to hit it -- it just fell and ran away. I was all, 'Oh my God, he knows what I look like.'
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@weinerdog4life: In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
@NewDadNotes: [car slides off road in a snowstorm] Stranger: you need a tow? Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me [we both laugh as he drives away] [still stuck 10 hours later] Wife: Me: I regret nothing
@Brampersandon_: OCTOPUS: *places tentacle on Bible* JUDGE: Do u swear to tell the truth? O: Yes BAILIFF: *spends like 8 minutes trying to get Bible unstuck*
@BrassBallsCJ: All these girls tweeting about going braless & I'm just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.