Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
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I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work