I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
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Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.