I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
You Might Also Like
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
#Thanos #MondayMood
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.