@PYWL: I just saw a video of a snake that learned to open doors. I probably don't need to sleep anymore anyway.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees? Pregnant wife: She won't. She waits till she's born 5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
@BigPlanetEarth: People are like books. You can't judge them by the outside and it's not cool to burn a big pile of them.
@kiel_phillips: INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me? ME: What's the Wi-Fi password? I: About the job M: What is the company Wi-fi password?