spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no