@dumbbeezie: I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
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@korryduke: Do you smell smoke? I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
@Book_Krazy: Me: Excuse me sir, what's your Wi-Fi password? Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily] THIS IS A FUNERAL Me: *[Types in] THIS IS A FUNERAL
@JakeNicholas: There's a man at the mall wearing cargo pants and a fanny pack, who I believe is in the process of becoming a suitcase.
@ddsmidt: My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.