I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
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i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
A ghost story
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.