I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
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I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Happy Caturday!
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
My what?
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same