@wittwitbarista: I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn't realize that you could get them in bulk now.
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@gavinpivott: A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.
@Midgetspar: My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
@Abusitron: Me: why do bad things happen to good people? God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles* Me: oh God: *nods solemnly*