It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
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clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Ken is short for chicken
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach