I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
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Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.