Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
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My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough