@juliussharpe: I just saw an ad for a bulletproof briefcase. The real question is: why does your briefcase have so many enemies?
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@SamClark_23: Now I understand why girls get so mad when you tell them to calm down because today I was fighting with a coworker and my Apple watch told me “take a minute to breathe” and on God I almost threw that thing into the Mediterranean.
@causticbob: "Must you lick the knife?" "Sorry,force of habit" I said "Loads of people do it though, don't they?" "Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor"
@TheTimmyToes: I just want to be rich enough to say "that won't be necessary" when the police go to handcuff me