Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
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toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”