@juliussharpe: I just saw an ad for a bulletproof briefcase. The real question is: why does your briefcase have so many enemies?
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@sarcasm_inc: [airport security pulls Robocop aside] -Got ID? I AM A POLICE OFFIC- -Murphy eh. Looks nothin like u. THAT WAS BEFORE I GOT SH- -Save it pal
@Maddy_ubert: Nurse - "OK we are gonna start you on the scale" Me - "You know what maybe I'm not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
@audipenny: I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride