I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
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Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Best seat on the street 😍
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!