Cinematography is my passion
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Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Stop being racist to kettles.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Cat is stressing him out.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.