This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
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LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
me, after any kind of buffet.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.