I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
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a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Okay me first
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day