I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
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5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.