“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n