I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
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I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Not all heroes wear capes….
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.