well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
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For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.