I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
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[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Anime is real
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
This is my cat’s medicine.