I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
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Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.