I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
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[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Warm pools make me nervous.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo