How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
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Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Beauty and the Beast
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”