@MomofTeen: I just saw The Big Sick and now I'm negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
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@Dawn_M_: I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don't want them to fall in love with me.
@kumailn: When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
@Lowenaffchen: *affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible
@david8hughes: How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist's knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That's good.