@MomofTeen: I just saw The Big Sick and now I'm negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
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@iwearaonesie: "you yelled 'this is not my daddy!' when i picked you up to leave the store. you're lucky i let you live" -how dad signs my birthday cards
@david8hughes: [slides $5 to paramedic] Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don't make it
@GoodZiIIa: Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions? Me: I didn't even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
@shanethevein: Wait, there's a big difference. Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?