I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
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[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids