I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
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My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
#catsoftwitter
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.